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A simple failure. One likeand unlikeall others.A unicornlike any unicorn.I’ve revertedto the old drugs.The onesthat didn’t helpme before.The ones that didn’t hurt.My brainpresses aroundmy skullswirling.Toomy mind swirlsanxiously seekingan answer.The answerto the pain.Not today.

I’m to expectprogresswith these pills.Deletetwo hoursof life.Succumb.In earnest,the question had been,”Would it be betterto find somethingwrong on the test,or not?”Irrelevant nowbecause nothingwas found.But nownothing to point to.Insteada trial.I’ve lost weight.Six poundsin a month.Whatno chocolatedoes to a man.My breadat leastis getting quite good.I thinkperhapsI am the highest bakerin America.I made my firstby touchloafthis week.I love seeingitContinue reading “Trial to Try”

Todayno pain (yet),no stress (yet),no major complaints,yet.I feel drawnto this exercisein tumult.So I decided to trywithout.Yesterdaymy brain was scanned.Results pending.So I sitand waitimpatientlyto find out something catastrophic (unlikely)or nothing (irritatingly likely).It is a strange thingwaitingfor sentencing.I imagine this is akin to a criminalwaitingfor sentencing. Not knowing.Not really afraidbecause the deed is donebut the results yetpending.AmContinue reading “Stability, or at least an approximation thereof”

I was unable to figure outhow the fuckto add spacingto my Anger.I’ve learnedtwo new tricks.Damn though-Anger made it tough.

I reflect on what’s coming; the funeral. I remember when I was made to feel badly by my father’s other that my mother had bought a car. That child support money had bought a car. Which was false, but it didn’t matter. I was made to feel badly. That I should be held responsible forContinue reading “Anger”

It is done. The chapter finished. No, the book. She journaled as long as I can remember. I always thought it was strange how impossible her handwriting was despite daily practice. I don’t think she knew I wrote too. Though I know my handwriting is impossible so I do this instead. What’s left to sayContinue reading “Loss”

This morning I mused between Roko and UBI, fueled by pain. Apparently, giving up chocolate stops pain or some such nonsense. It’s a bit more complicated but is it? I think I need to take the afternoon to charge batteries for tomorrow. I need to be sharp tomorrow. We’re talking about change tomorrow. I seeContinue reading “I’d like some chocolate, please”

I had a whole Monday off yesterday. I read a book. I had a light workout. I changed the filter. I wrote for hours. I cheered for my team. I baked some bread. I played a game. I supported my wife. I felt the need today to celebrate yesterday when most of my writing latelyContinue reading “Success”

This morning was, am, overly introspective if that’s a thing. Maybe the word overly is overly judgmental. Whatever. I think something about losing last night and tossing and turning and tossing and turning and waking sore and tired has something to do with it. Or maybe it’s the wind, incessant, unstoppable, irritating, cold. I couldContinue reading “Dull Wind”

I have a change management training coming up. It is based on the ADKAR ProSci model. I actually like this model- I had a similar training many years ago when I first started at the Division. I even read the book. There’s a small amount of “pre-work” for the training: think of a personal changeContinue reading “Change management… I guess”